Fecundity:

The biological capacity or potential of an organism to produce offspring, often referred to as fertility or fruitfulness. It measures reproductive success via gamete count, seed set, or live births. Key factors include genetics, age, and environmental conditions (e.g., nutrition, health). Still gathering appointments and fertility data; nothing tested suggests any difficulty thus far. Next cycle includes some additional tests which will better determine overall fecundity. It’s exciting! It’s concerning! It’s a series of happy steps.

Grump:

I got back on the app; I am finding myself detached from the process, however. No giddy excitement to meet folks. No checking multiple times a day. Little interest in adding new pictures, and the distance to drive from folks seems both welcome and inconvenient simultaneously. I’m not into it anymore and I should be enjoying myself with good company and fun outings. Everything seems an obstacle or interruption keeping it from happening, hence the first multi-year single period in my life since beginning dating. It seems I’ve too much work or living complications for things to be fun or engaging in a way that inspires the effort.

Recognition for some things that went well recently. I got through the day, met a minimum goal, and even had some pleasant experiences. It didn’t end the way I wanted to, thus I’m starting days grumpy and rather off-diet; I am home rather than working, as the pups are sick and having accidents everywhere. Poop has invaded! Plus some puking. Another great reason to find some flexible online work or better passive income; what if the kids need me available?

I am lucky to have some flexibility in my schedule, though it would be best if flexible didn’t interrupt the flow of income. That said, I’m looking forward to an upcoming move for my flexible or work-from-home scenario. I can clean everything top to bottom, but I feel like I just get sick living here, and this is the first time the dogs have ever been sick in their lives (post adoption as puppies, anyway). It’s either other people’s smoke products or unpleasant smells making its way into the space, and I never got to truly feel comfortable or at home. Night 1 here included cigarettes; month 2 or 3 was a noticeable change in community offerings, and between various hardships and my getting sick the year is more a 2025 redux than 2026 renewal. The first quarter of the year is concluding and I’m considering other options. My hopes were high, and that may be part of my disappointment. I’m homesick, somewhat detached, and feeling drained. Not the vibe I want to nest in, and that matters.

I want a place I can feel at home, well, productive, accomplishing goals at pace. Scraping by with the minimum or less has been undesirable. I also have a wall-sharing neighbor that from the beginning doesn’t smile at me or respond when I speak to them. It’s a lovely spot with some great amenities, some very kind folks, and if I was having a different experience or a different outcome I would likely have tried for another year. It seems set outside my favor since the beginning and a year of downhill is already excessively weighing on my patience.

It doesn’t change my path overmuch, it’s just delaying things. There simply isn’t the same time or patience in the schedule for delays at this age. I was building up to baby for years; house, spare rooms, big yard, storage, partner, little to no debt, manageable income, social support. I’m missing a significant number of those internalized checklist items now and building from what feels like nothing. The delays and downward pressure in important areas become more notable, more felt, more unacceptable. Daily grind isn’t new, but it sure seems unnecessary to add pushback and more hoops to jump through- everywhere- on top of it.

I overheard some time ago someone ask about how a woman was being treated, and I relate this to some experiences. “Are they still treating her like shit? Then no.” Approval from folks outside the immediate relationship is often something to consider and navigate. Workplace or otherwise, it’s understandable that staying in spaces where growth isn’t fostered isn’t all that attractive, even to others watching from afar. What doesn’t kill you can still be prohibitively troublesome; delays- or any hindrances- in reproduction during a woman’s late 30’s aren’t an easy hurdle [especially for myself]. I am nostalgic for days where I had more good news and fun stuff to share with friends and family.

I’m mulling over adding a post on dating; perhaps even a page. It’s in mind a lot at this time.